INFLUENCING THE UNCOOPERATIVE


	Even when the other side in a conflict seems unwilling to
change, you can still exert a positive influence.  Kenneth Kaye, author
of Workplace Wars and How to End Them  (AMACOM, 1994), assesses
stalemates realistically: "You're the only one you can change--and
even that guy, you don't have all that much control over."  But to the
extent that you're able to overcome the frustration of dealing with an
uncooperative opponent, Kaye suggests the following steps for
improving the situation:

	1.  BE PREDICTABLE.  Opponents hate surprises.  They almost
always view them as threats.  To diminish tensions, be as clear as
possible in your dealings with uncooperative counterparts.
Announce your intentions and stick to them.

	2.  REFER MAINLY TO YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR.  Pointing fingers
only increases defensiveness and self-justification.  Show your
expectations in the way you talk about your side of the deal--for
instance: "I'm going to do my best to let you finish making a point
before I respond."

	3.  LET BYGONES BE BYGONES.  Negative descriptions tend to be
self-fulfilling.  Instead, phrase observations of behavior you'd like to
see change as if you assume the other person wants to change too.

	For example, if sales director Josh flies off the handle at her,
marketing manager Connie might reply, "I know you're trying hard
to control your anger these days, Josh.  Overall, I'd say you're doing
much, much better."

	4.  DON'T DEMAND INSTANT APPRECIATION.   As Kenneth Kaye
observes, "The difficulty in trying to change people is that if you try
something once or twice and it doesn't work, you're tempted to say,
'I tried, but what's the use-- they'll never change.'  That's not
realistic--no one changes overnight."

	Instead of getting discouraged, let your opponent know you're
still sticking to your commitment.  If Connie feels she must call Josh
on his behavior, she might say something like, "This is the type of
thing that wreaks so much havoc on my area, Josh.  Is there any
other way we could do this?"

	5.  REINFORCE TINY CHANGES FOR THE BETTER.  Since most
people hate to change, even when they know they're in the wrong,
you'll have to develop a taste for rewarding incremental
improvement.

	For example, say one of Josh's most maddening habits has been
to introduce visiting clients to everyone except Connie.  But then, a
few weeks into her peace campaign, he pokes his head into her office
just long enough to mumble a quick introduction.  Connie could either
take offense that he's still giving her short shrift, or call Josh up later
and say, "Thanks for stopping by--next time, you'll be welcome to
visit longer."

	Some conflicts may not be within your power to influence.  If
your organization systematically rewards an opponent's non-
cooperation, for example, you have little chance of improving the
relationship until the system itself changes.  But many workplace
conflicts can  move towards resolution based on one party's decision
to end hostilities.  Why not find out if your ongoing conflict is one of
them?

Does that help? YES or NO